Why I’m NOT Planning to “Age Gracefully”

I was watching the idiot box the other day when some geriatric genius came on. She was extolling the virtues of “aging gracefully.” Like into 100 years, plus. (I swear she didn’t look a day over 110.)

Anyway, it seems that if living to the centennial mark or beyond is your idea of grabbing the proverbial brass ring, you’ve got some choices to make. And not itty-bitty, insignificant ones either. No siree, Methuselah! Apparently Being Older Than Dirt is mighty serious business.

According to Ms. Methuselah, “aging gracefully” requires commitment. Focus. Sacrifice. Common sense and a whole lotta good old fashioned using your noggin’. (Instead of, say, heeding the idiot box?)

The first thing you gotta do if you want to sail past the octogenarian off ramp gracefully, opined Ms. Methusaleh, is give up unhealthy habits like drinking, smoking, caffeine, Doritos and Hershey with almonds.

In the throes of Hershey’s withdrawls.

Okay. I get the first three. But Frito products and chocolate, in one fell swoop?

Is there no balm in Gilead?

But wait. It gets better.

If you want to live to the ripe old age of from here to eternity, you also better get your keyster down to the local gym, bub. Hire yourself a personal Simon Legree to get I shape and stay that way.

Some More Dos:

  • Get enough sleep to give Rip van Winkle a run for his moola.
  • Treat those pesky annual check-ups like divine revelation and doctors orders like Holy Writ.
  • Drink plenty of water each day. (Were talking sink the Bismarck here.)
  • Avoid presidential debates if you value your brain cells. And the slightest hint of cerebral activity.
  • Invest in a collection of LARGE PRINT books.
  • Watch your cholesterol and your blood pressure. No more pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese. Or watching Joe Biden.
  • Buy stock in GNC (you’re gonna need it).
  • Load up on Glucosamine. Or Vitamin A. Vitamin D. Vitamin B. Vitamins C, E, F, G, H, and the rest of the usual vitamin alphabet soup. Ditto iron and calcium supplements.
  • Wash everything down with your daily dose of prune juice.


  • Do. Not. Tweet. The Surgeon General has determined that tweeting may be hazardous to your health (or should).
  • Don’t stop growing or learning. Find a new hobby. Meet some new friends. Take up shuffle board.
  • Skimp on the broccoli, Brussel sprouts or arugula.

And oh yeah. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $20* without getting your eyes checked first.


Now, remind me again: Given that check list – and that’s the micro version – why in tarnation would anyone want to live to “age gracefully,” let alone sluff into 110?

Wait. I think a chocolate eclair is calling my name…

* That’s not a typo. In case you’re wondering.


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