Milk Cartons & New Year’s Resolutions

A brand new year is just around the corner and with it, the usual raft of New Year resolutions. Here’s what I think about that: Whenever I feel the urge to float a bunch of New Year resolutions down the river, I lie down until the feeling goes away.

Indeed, one of the perks of ringing in 50+ New Years is gaining a little perspective in the process. Enough to know that most New Year resolutions don’t last past the expiration date on a carton of milk.

So what’s the point?

I have a better idea. Instead of cranking out a bunch of resolutions that’ll go sour around February, if not sooner, why not put some plans in place to chill? Relax? Even better, make 2019 the year for observing rather than resolving. Like:

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Temporarily misplacing my specs is not a cataclysmic event. It may seem like it. But in the great scheme of things, it’s not quite up there with the Fall of Rome. Not quite. Losing my entire Hershey’s stash may qualify. But not misplacing my specs. Savvy?

A few more observations:

  • The road is rife with drivers newly furloughed from the local looney bin. Extra caution and defensive maneuvers are a must.
  • The chances of Tinsel Town cranking out anything worth the price of admission this year is inversely proportionate to the price of concessionaire popcorn. Choose one.
  • Some day the Great Mysteries of the Universe will be solved. The riddle of the Sphinx. Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? Where the mate to your favorite pair of socks disappeared to when it winds up MIA in the dryer. Just not today.
  • Being on someone’s friend of follower list is a privilege, not a right. There’s no law requiring you to follow back any yahoo who follows you. If they’ve been blocked, it’s for a reason. Deal with it.
  • If opening and draining a can of tuna is too demanding and tiring for your average Millennial to bother with, why are they voting?
  • In a contingent universe, anything is possible. Except squeezing toothpaste back into the tube. Don’t ask how I know that.
  • A blaring alarm jolting you out of a deep sleep is the. Worst. Sound. Ever.
  • When in doubt, eat chocolate.
  • “Smart government” is an oxy-moron.
  • The speed of a snail-paced check-out line will dramatically increase as soon as you switch to another line.
  • There’s no easy way to get gum out of the dog’s fur.
  • Whoever proclaimed Sunday a “day of rest” never had to get small children ready for church.
  • When dropped, a buttered slice of toast always lands buttered-side down. Why is that?

See what I mean? Isn’t this a whole lot easier than scanning expiration dates on a carton of milk?

What would you add for 2019?


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